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Friday, November 9th, 2007
2:47 am
paste from myspace blog
I've had this blog opened for roughly an hour, staring at the blank space, unsure of what to say. I still can not find the words in my head. Perhaps it hasn't hit me just yet, perhaps my mentality blocks these things if they occur suddenly, I am not sure. I had talked with her recently...a week and a half or so ago, I am glad that I got the chance to.

It has been a rough time for me lately. I've made mistakes, i've lost and lost again due to my own stupidity for things in my own life. Roughly around the same time last year my close friend Aarie passed away, though I was somewhat expecting it once I had heard she slipped into a coma. Tonight I read the news that Kristen, my CF sister, bar-none the best friend I have ever had with the same condition as me died. This I was not expecting, not yet.

She had been in ICU for a month, but had gotten out in October. She was immediately placed into the transplant procedures, though the diagnosis was that she had time to go through that process and make it. No more truth to the testament of the unpredictability and terrifying nature of CF, this could not hold. The incessant decline this disease possesses is merely the beginning, it is the positive aspect to it if anything. It is the relief, to seek hope and comfort that if all goes according to plan, you'll die at the time your PFTs are telling you. That is what is most known and that is the representation people without this curse understand. The reality is hidden, still, to the average person. The lack of knowledge to the fears of Mucoid Pseudonomas, MRSA, Cepacia, and any other forms of deleterious and potentially pernicious infections. If you are one of the fortunate ones, you will not deal with any of those, and thus die a timely 'life expectancy death' due to said incessant decline. Should those arise, your life is interrupted more so, your plans change, your life becomes significantly shorter.

I am still unsure as to what I can say about Kristen. I know she is not the type that wishes to have people mourning her greatly(well too bad, you were loved).

I admire her greatly. Kristen was a person not unlike myself. In bad times, the thought of suicide was more than appealing to her. There were attempts, there was a constant struggle in her mind I know this much. Whether or not it made her feel better to rant about it or if there was a true desire to go through with it, i'm not sure. At times fear perhaps, but I admire the fact that towards the end she didn't give up. She was someone I admit was extremely negative, to an extent that surpassed me at times. It was the passing of our friend Aarie that seemed to change her. She seemed to realize that she was still alive, and adapted a mentality not too far from Aaries. Despite her negativity, even at the end, she was attempting school, and wanting to carry on with her life. This is something that I hope she knows I bow down to. It takes an exceptionally strong person to go through what the end of the CF line puts you through, but still try to continue your life. She surprised me with it, and I hope when my day comes I adapt a similar mentality. I don't know if Kristen even realized how strong she ended up being. She was my CF sister, I have been here for her for years. I've helped her through many situations, sat on the phone with her at times when Rick was threatening her or when she was in a bad spot, I know what she went through outside of CF and I never understood how she could handle the combination of CF and the personal issues she had to deal with. Perhaps it was just all too much for her, and her body finally had enough. I can speculate for hours on end, but that is not really the point to this entry.

My one solace in this news is that I was able to have a proper good bye with her. I never had that with Aarie, and it still upsets me. Kristen had messaged me and informed me of the ICU and transplant, and her current situation. We had talked for a great while, I thanked her for always being a good friend to me and being there. While I was not expecting this, I suppose I had a feeling in that conversation that I wouldn't be talking to her again. I at least have the comfort that she was aware of how much I appreciated her friendship, her last words to me, "I love you too".

I will miss you greatly. You will always be my CF sister and no one can ever replace you. I love you, you are free.

I've been knocked down 6 times Kick me while i'm down

Tuesday, April 17th, 2007
1:02 am
I must admit...
I kind of enjoy the new Marilyn Manson song. Now anyone that knows me knows I am certainly quite the enthusiast of any music that is goth and/or dark. Generally speaking, while I have defended Manson's previous work for being unique(though I have never been a fan per se) he is the representation of all things mall goth, and aside from a few good songs, he's the icon for teenage rebellious youths seeking any sort of outing that their parents despise. While he is a smart man, I do still believe he is nothing more than a self-carved model at an attempt for a graven image. Consider him to goth that Eminem would be to thug. Though to be fair, while I may poke fun at his 'try too hard' image, I question does it really need to make sense anymore? Or has it ever? I listen to everything from the dark and morbid to the hopeful albeit depressing. Though in terms of 'goth' fashion, it never truly seems to matter. Maybe I am coming into the scene a bit late, but I can't help but wonder what the fashion means to most of the people involved. I generally just wear black. It is a preference garnered by my personality. I own some clothes that have a small amount of metal on them, but I have never gone overboard. Last night I saw VNV Nation in New Haven. VNV is a rather dark and depressing duo, but they are hardly entrepreneurs who delve into the realm of fetish. That did not stop a vast majority of concert-goers last night from choosing to dress in tight leather, bondage straps, surgical and/or gas masks, and just general 'do kinky nasty shit to me and bend me over' attire. While on girls I can not say I truly complained, but I still wondered just why, or how, the dark personality of VNV's music can be translated to all out fetish ball. I may be questioning this due to the lack of any sleep in the past couple of days, or just my general curiosity in life about *everything*, but it is something I always have wondered about the goth culture since giving into my true self about 6 years ago.

With that said, perhaps it is better than Manson remain the center stage of all things mainstream goth these days. That way the parents can be angry about his messages(despite said parent's kids going to the all ages underground shows as well), and we will not have to have the fashion of real goth/industrial shows exposed to the mainstream world in which headlines such as "goth underground scene encourages fetishistic rituals" could be created. We have enough of a bad rep as is. Sad, really, since getting myself involved in the overall community, talking to numerous bands/DJs, and meeting people I can honestly say it is probably the most accepting and friendly community I have ever known.

I've been knocked down 2 times Kick me while i'm down

Thursday, February 22nd, 2007
3:31 am
New VNV Nation..a LOT better than matter and form.

Kick me while i'm down

Thursday, December 28th, 2006
6:40 am
Entrapment and pedophilia
I have had this saved for a little bit now, and since I am awake and bored I figure maybe it will make an interesting entry. Basically, a 12 year old girl tried to invite me for real life sex. Skip to the break in the page if you want to skip over the boring introduction text.

Xlisangel99x: hey
Djn083: hi?
Xlisangel99x: whats ur name?
Djn083: dan..who's this?
Xlisangel99x: lisa
Djn083: Lisa...?
Xlisangel99x: yes
Djn083: erm okay..do I know you? I dont recall knowing a lisa
Xlisangel99x: no I just decided to IM u
Djn083: k..where did you get my name?
Xlisangel99x: off a friends list
Djn083: id ask how you got it off a friends list but that probably wont get me an answer
Xlisangel99x: lol
Xlisangel99x: she was on at my house and it saved so I logged in and saw ur name so i added u
Djn083: I see
Xlisangel99x: do u have any pics?
Djn083: nope
Xlisangel99x: aw, how come? i have some of me i can send u :)
Djn083: thats alright..not really looking to get pics of anyone heh
Djn083: there a reason to IM me ?
Xlisangel99x: just to chat, and stuff
Djn083: im not the chatty type.
Xlisangel99x: not even for me?
Djn083: lol I dont even know you..what friend by the way?
Xlisangel99x: huh???
Djn083: ..what friend do you have that you got my name from
Xlisangel99x: doesnt matter
Djn083: who? it matters to me since i'd like to know if youre lying or not..and id like to IM said friend and inform her to be more careful about where she logs in
Xlisangel99x: im not..anywayz.. how old r u?
Djn083: oh well since you say so it explains everything. im 23.
Xlisangel99x: wow!
Djn083: .. ?
Xlisangel99x: im only 12..heheh
Djn083: ....
Xlisangel99x: ???
Djn083: I don't think I know anyone who would be in the house of a 12 year old.
Xlisangel99x: lol
Xlisangel99x: u from boston too?
Djn083: yeah..no offense, but I dont really want to talk to any 12 year olds.
Xlisangel99x: what if im cute?
Djn083: ...
Xlisangel99x: what???
Djn083: is this a joke?
Xlisangel99x: huh?
Djn083: who is this? lol..this cant be real. you couldn't have gotten my SN from anywhere, I talk to a very limited amount of people, and an even more limited amount that are girls. 1 of which lives near me and she certainly has no 12 year olds computer access.
Xlisangel99x: I told u this is lisa. ok.. look..i didnt get your name from a friend ok?
Djn083: then where did you get it?
Xlisangel99x: doesnt matter
Djn083: again with the doesn't matter. whatever, im done.

Xlisangel99x: u sure u dont want to trade pics? i have nude ones..
Xlisangel99x: im just looking for someone older to show me things i dont know about. will u help me?
Djn083: rofl. now I know this is a joke.
Xlisangel99x: huh??? it isnt a joke.. ive never had sex and i dont want that but u can do other things if u want.
Djn083: christ, gross, this is either a sick prank or bait for that dateline show about pedophiles
Xlisangel99x: lol??
Djn083: nevermind, im going to bed
Xlisangel99x: ur loss, im cute and u could have fun..dont u want to teach me?
Djn083: no. its late youre going to oversleep your preschool bus tomorrow, bye.
Xlisangel99x signed off at 12:32:43 AM.

Controversial stuff below
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I've been knocked down 1 time Kick me while i'm down

Monday, December 4th, 2006
2:30 pm
Grrr at being haunted
Last night I went to sleep around 2am. Around 5am I was wide awake.

During a relatively routine dream about Nintendo Wii and Mainecoon Cats, an image of Aaryn popped into vision. At that moment my eyes opened half way. I was still dreaming, but I was concious about what was surrounding me despite not being able to open my eyes and wake up fully.

I have never, in all of my life, experienced a greater feeling of both fear and 'someone is watching me', and this includes the stay in a circa 1500s mansion in Nantucket. Out of the corner of my eye I could see a faint *something* luring over my bed. I refused to look out of pure petrified fear, but rather closed my eyes again while my body shook, sweat, and tensed up for 5-10 minutes until the feeling surpassed.

When I got up to turn my light on after I had calmed some and the feeling had gone, it sparked and died. I'm sure that is coincidence, but when you're extremely on edge and scared, the last thing one needs is a sudden loud blue spark explosion from a lightbulb. The only weird part about that is the bulbs usually last me 6 months, and I just replaced it 3 months ago. I did the cat test after that and placed Cato in my room. He didn't freak out or anything but he did sit and stare at the corner of my room for a good 2-3 minutes without moving.

But damnit Aarie, I specifically told you during our conversation about death, do *NOT* haunt me! If you wanna say hi, do it as normal as possible, no more of this 5am 'lets lure over dan's bed!' Stuff.

I've been knocked down 2 times Kick me while i'm down

Sunday, December 3rd, 2006
10:08 pm
Copied this from a myspace blog I wrote, so if you've already read it/responded on there, feel free to skip.


For anyone on my list with CF, they already know of the news that Aaryn passed away last night. At first I was shocked and somewhat numb, wondering why i'm not feeling as sad as I feel I should be. I then caught myself checking my AIM list for her screenname, and that is when it 'hit me' so to speak and my stomach dropped and I started to cry, which made me realize it just hadn't settled in yet and most likely still hasn't.

We used to joke about how I was in charge of her CF choices because we often discussed our annoyances with doctors, and that they'd have to send me papers to approve or disapprove for her...heh. It is all just weird. You get so used to someone being around. Almost every single night for two years she would pop up on AIM, and we'd say hello, and joke around. Three days ago she was excited about a transplant and how she was going to travel around after she got one, stopping by to see her grandmother here in Boston where we'd meet up and hang out somewhere. The next night she ends up incapacitated, and the following night her body finally had enough. It is rather devastating.

I try to look on the brighter side(for once in my life). She had been needing a transplant for quite some time, and if she wasn't receiving one soon then maybe it is best she was freed from CF. I have said it before, Aaryn was one of the strongest people i've ever known. Not many people with CF would get lower than transplant level, require O2 almost constantly, but *still* register for classes and want to work. But I also know she bottled up the emotional scarring that occurs in a situation like that, and that is mainly why I think as much as she fought, maybe it was just time for her to let go of life. I really don't know the negative thoughts she had. Seldom did she speak of them to me. This is a girl, that just a few days prior to her eventual passing, apologized to me for complaining about how she felt healthwise, that is the type of person she was. And yes of course I told her that was ridiculous, and us CFers always have to stick together and bitch and complain to eachother at any given rate no matter if you are 90% functions or 20%.

Rarely did she rant, but rather she would talk about all the positive things that could happen in the future. I truly wish I could be in the same mindset she was in. I am often overcome by depression or anxiety, dwelling not about the fact that i'm alive and what is hopeful in the future, but rather how low the odds are of getting CF, and if I were just rolled onto a different number I would not have to endure any of this. It causes resentment sometimes when I look at those who can get up and go to work and come home to sleep and get up again without ever having to touch a vest or nebulizer.

It's odd to me I guess, how genetic diseases work. They're very low in chance to aquire them but once you do, your life is so drastically different from everyone elses. CF can make each day feel like a lifetime with the inclusions of vest treatments, nebulizers, dozens of daily pills, exercise, and forced eating to maintain as healthy of a weight as possible. There is no such thing as an 'off day', and the most frustrating part is despite everything you must or may do for CF, you are losing. You are always losing. You fight so hard for your dreams, for your goals, for that hope we all hold onto, but the reality of it is you are on a steady decline. It is life interrupting. One day you may be going to work(or in my case, attempting to pursue a dream of film production) and the next you're pulled out, too sick to do anything so you stay home, then are thrown into a hospital for two weeks eliminating you from a lot of what you were doing. After the hospital, you have a 'calm' period(almost Sin-like from FFX) where you have some time to be stable, this time varies per person, but eventually you end up back in the hospital. And until the day comes when humans can somehow halt the lung disease aspect of CF, this really will not change.

There is hope, yes. There was a period of quite a few years where there were no new treatments for CF. In the past decade or so, treatments have improved greatly. And with each passing year, more and more new treatments are announced or being researched. The process in which these are released can take a few years in their own right, but with each new discovery or treatment released, newer and better things open up faster. There are several good treatments in development right now, whether or not they will work as well as promised is yet to be determined, however(it is a known medical fact that a phamaceudical corporation will boast about a new drug in order to get more funding, and what might work for one CFer will not work well in another). But there is hope, that's all we really have. Because reality certainly does not cut it.

I've been knocked down 3 times Kick me while i'm down

Monday, September 11th, 2006
1:59 am
odd physics
This just shouldn't be possible give the size of cato and width of window...

Cat pictures beyond cut

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I've been knocked down 4 times Kick me while i'm down

Sunday, September 3rd, 2006
1:10 am
what a fucked up day
I had probably the scariest moment in my life just happen to me. First, today I get hit by a fucking truck while on my bike, if that wasn't enough tonight Laura and I were almost potentially murdered.

I was over my friend Jackie's house in Salem, MA. Playing a riveting game of Trivial Pursuit and just hanging out having a good time. Around midnight we left because I have medications to do, all pretty routine stuff really. Well, somewhere along route 1A south towards Boston, in the Chelsea area, we hit a red light. No biggie, well...this guy in an old bronco pulls up next to us with something slouched in the passenger seat. I stare at it because it is all black and it is hunched over like a dog would be resting his head out a window, but it doesn't look like a dog so I keep staring trying to figure out just what it is. I get Laura to look over, we're both staring and we realize its a guy with a black shirt and black curly hair, body slouched with head just resting against the glass window. It was then that we noticed the driver. A man who was giving us the most evil yet panicked glare i've ever seen in my entire life. It was also then I *joked* about how maybe the passenger was killed by the driver. Well, light turns green and the passenger no longer slouches against the window, but the movement of the bronco causes him to ragdoll forward smashing his head against the window/dashboard...and yet does not move at all but remains lifeless. What happened next will go down as one of the scariest, if not the scariest, most fucked up moments ever to happen to me. The driver SWERVES his bronco and tries to ram my car into the siderail on the route. Just before he hits me I slam on my breaks(thankfully no one was behind me) so he ends up swerving in front of me instead and IMMEDIATELY slams on his breaks directly in front of me. This is route 1A so you know it is a busy traffic road and this guy just deadstopped in front of us after blatantly trying to hit my car. I had enough room to get around him so I sped past in sheer panic. I hit around 80-85 MPH and the guy was chasing us doing the same speed. At some point I swerved between two cars in just enough time that he got caught behind them and could not continue the chase for the moment. The last I saw of him was in the distant rear view(I never took my eyes off his truck) as I took route 16 and he SPED onto route 1.

I don't know if he was fucking with us, or if our lives were actually at risk. But absolutely none of this story is exaggerated.

I've been knocked down 4 times Kick me while i'm down

Saturday, September 2nd, 2006
2:26 pm
so I got hit by a truck today
It was fun.

I just got my mountain bike yesterday, I love riding and it is good exercise. I usually never ride on the street, but today where I was riding there were no sidewalks so I didn't have much of a choice. I was heading down the road, a huge downhill slope probably going anywhere between 20-30 mph(no idea how fast a bike can go fullspeed down hill, but I was doing it) and I approached a traffic light where you can only go straight or left. I go straight, of course, and at this point there is a sidewalk up ahead so I plan to get on it. Before I could, however, a pickup truck started to pull one of those "i'm going to talk on the phone or not pay atteention and my car will swerve in any which direction". He started swerving to the left, well drifting..into the car in the left lane, he notices this, but not me. So his reflex is of course to swerve to the right, and fast, hitting me into the curb, sending me flying skidding across the pavement at however fast I was going. Bike went flying, I went skidding 10 feet or so, truck never stopped. People can suck sometimes. But also, sometimes it is fun to see adrenaline and the bodies defense system in situations like that. I skinned my hand up and it was gushing blood the rest of the way home, and my face scraped the pavement some, but the fall didn't really hurt in the slightest. Either that, or the fact that i've had tubes threaded through my vein into my heart thanks to CF has toughened me overall. Either way. People still suck

Kick me while i'm down

Thursday, August 24th, 2006
4:47 am
I was walking home tonight, minding my own business not really paying attention to what is around me(as I usually don't while I walk) when I heard a rustling that caused me to look a few feet ahead of me. I am glad that I stopped, because this is what I saw(and i'm glad I always carry my camera around)

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I've been knocked down 3 times Kick me while i'm down

Thursday, August 17th, 2006
12:20 pm
Mass General Hospital is stupid.

I'm in a double portion, high fat diet, since the discovery that body mass index plays an equal or bigger role in keeping infections off as antibiotics do, I was told I need to work on weight instantly.

anyways, my lunch came up today. roasted turkey withcorn, low fat chicken noodle soup, no sugar added cranberry sauce imitation, non-fat frozen yogurt, and a banana. Ahh yes..my doctor will be very pleased at this.

This is of course coming after transport forgot about me in the CAT scan room for over an hour.

I've been knocked down 7 times Kick me while i'm down

Monday, July 31st, 2006
10:47 pm
I feel a lot less manly now
My cat just totally took me down. I was walking into the kitchen and he did his pounce thing where he shakes his ass and runs fullspeed to wrap himself around my ankles to bite me. This time, though, he somehow managed to buckle me, so when he launched himself at me I literally fell to the ground. Not because I tripped over him or anything, but because he knocked me over. What is worse is this happened in front of Laura. Guys are supposed to be tough and manly, able to defend the female at any cost and here I am, getting my ass kicked by a 20 lb critter.

I've been knocked down 4 times Kick me while i'm down

Monday, July 3rd, 2006
9:07 pm
life lessons
I told Laura not to do it. I warned her. I said "I've known him for almost 3 years, trust me when I say don't fuck with him." Did she listen? Of course not, who ever listens to me? Why believe me i'm just Dan, I'm always sarcastic.

Cut for brutality

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I've been knocked down 7 times Kick me while i'm down

Wednesday, June 14th, 2006
2:23 pm
While on my way back to work from lunch break, I saw a guy practically go out of his way to run over a cat. It was the most horrific thing ive ever seen. I tried to run it over myself after the fact but it was already gone. I'm not a bastard, I just wanted to put it out of its misery, both legs were obviously broken, its jaw was cracked and it is sure to die a slow death, though I do hope it died already from shock. Fuck people.

I've been knocked down 5 times Kick me while i'm down

Friday, June 9th, 2006
1:06 pm
1. i’ll respond with something random about you
2. i’ll challenge you to try something
3. i’ll pick a color that i associate with you
4. i’ll tell you something i like about you
5. i’ll tell you my first/clearest memory of you
6. i’ll tell you what animal you remind me of
7. i’ll ask you something i’ve always wanted to ask you
8. if i do this for you, you must post this on yours(you don't have to)

I've been knocked down 19 times Kick me while i'm down

Tuesday, May 30th, 2006
4:06 pm
So the Boston Film Festival is going to let me know this week about the internship. And this Sunday I pretty much am guaranteed a job when I go for my interview as a full time productionist for an upcoming film(one that will be in real theaters, even!) I'm unsure where this will take me right now given I don't have a degree. I don't know what jobs in the film industry require that stupid piece of paper regardless of knowledge or experience, but right now i'm in a good mood and I feel like my life has some form of track since I finally know I can get involved into the film business.

I've been knocked down 3 times Kick me while i'm down

Wednesday, May 10th, 2006
2:17 am
So cato has a new(cute) habit. Whenever he wants to get into my room but my door is shut..he runs full force and SLAMS into it.

I'll be sitting in my chair, and I hear really fast little foot thumping, then a loud furry *THUD* into my door. And of course, opening it reveals a wide eyed ball of fur staring at me.

I've been knocked down 4 times Kick me while i'm down

Friday, April 7th, 2006
5:18 pm
Cato got out :( I dont know where he is :((

I've been knocked down 1 time Kick me while i'm down

Saturday, March 25th, 2006
11:53 am
I might be moving to south carolina.

more news later!

Kick me while i'm down

Saturday, February 4th, 2006
5:44 pm
fed up
Man I am fucking fed up with some of the shit that makes it to the movie screens. For anyone who doesn't know, my life dream was *always* to be involved in film, director..producer, writer..doesn't matter. Just *something* along those lines. But given I have to spend 80% of my life with the all-consuming CF, it never happened. What pisses me off the most, is how some people get to the stage of fame and become big directors. People who don't have the slightest notion of what it is like to come up with something original. They seemingly waltz into film school, pass the basic requirements and go on to steal someone elses idea and make it their own while capturing fame for it. I am bitter, I am jealous, but more than anything I am frustrated at the lack of options I have while others steal their way into the industry.

What set this off now is this : http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0424136/

Here is a synopsis - Hayley Stark, a High School girl who's fed-up with being the innocent object of everyone's affection, via an Internet chat-room makes herself available to an older man. They meet at a coffee shop. He brings her to his place. And she proceeds to teach him an unforgettable lesson.

Now there may only be a few people on my list who actually can see why that pisses me off, and to them they'd understand it what I am talking about.

I've been knocked down 1 time Kick me while i'm down

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